Living Together

Exposing Risks of Unmarried Cohabitation

The truth is whenever a man lies with a woman, whether they like it or not, a transcended relation is set up between them, which must be eternally enjoyed or eternally endured. (C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters)

Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?

Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched? (Prov 6:27-28)

“Why make a big deal about getting married?” asked my friend Ajay in the middle of a casual conversation. He went on to inform me about his girlfriend and their future plans. “She is doing her final semester of graduate studies in the city. We studied in the same college before and I was a year ahead of her. We love each other deeply. She is moving in with me by the end of this month.” “Who wants to get married these days? Is there anything wrong with living together as a couple?” he asked.

I was still processing what he shared and could not imagine how far he has digressed from the views he held few years ago and the traditional family that he hails from. While still recovering from the shock, I inquired, “Is she okay with that? How about your parents?” “Absolutely. She is the one who suggested the idea!” he paused. “Of course, our parents do not know about our decision yet. Shouldn’t I decide what I do with my life and with whom I live with? Why drag our old-fashioned parents into this.” “If you both love each other,” I asked, “why don’t you tell your parents, get married and live together as husband and wife?” “We want to see how compatible we are by living together. If everything goes well, we will proceed to have a court marriage. If not, we will go our separate ways and that is what we have agreed.” He thought for a while and continued, “Why waste all that money in a grand community-wide wedding party? We could save on apartment rents and living expenses…and check out if we are made for each other.”

In his pragmatism, Ajay is completely unaware of the risks involved of his convoluted rationale and action. Over last decade or so, several researches have confirmed negative repercussions of this social trend. Test driving may sound like a great idea, when buying a car, but not in matters of relationship.

Co-habitation is on the rise in India. Celebrities are doing it. Many successful and powerful icons in the society are going in that direction. Social stigma against live-in relationships is waning. Urban youth culture tends to promote it. In a culture of ‘hook-up’ of the West, most young people are moving in and out of relationships causally, including sexual involvement. In America, when blushing brides and dashing grooms walk down the aisle today, more than half have already lived together. Cohabitation is replacing marriage as the first living-together experience for young men and women.

A pleasure-seeking, living for the moment, liberal morals, permissive culture etc all favor this arrangement.  Not surprising that young adults strongly approve cohabitation. It is only a latest fad in the growing culture of promiscuity. But every fad has a price to pay and this is no exception. Aping the West will have far greater consequences for Indian young adults choosing to go down this route of live-in relationships. Studies have proven that both men and women live longer, happier, healthier and wealthier lives when they are married.  Married people have both more and better sex than do their unmarried counterparts.  
       

Cohabitating couples want to achieve some of the benefits of marriage without the risk of divorce or cost of commitment. They do not have to seek legal or religious permission to dissolve their union. They let their raw passion take its course without any obligation to each other or their futures. When easy break up is a major attraction of starting a relationship that is precisely where it would end up in.

The recent researches in social sciences suggest that living together is not a good way to prepare for marriage or to avoid divorce. Cohabitation is detrimental to successful relationships for adults and especially harmful for children. Moreover, it shows that the rise in cohabitation is not a positive family trend. Cohabiting unions tend to weaken the institution of marriage and pose clear dangers for women and children. Here are some major findings:

·         Living together before marriage increases the risk of divorce.

·         Living together outside marriage increases the risk of domestic violence for women and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for children.

·         Unmarried couples have lower levels of happiness and well-being than married couples.

·         Serial or multiple short-term cohabitations are detrimental to future relational stability.

·         Commitment levels by one or both of the partners are known to be less than in the context of marriage.

·         Women experience a disproportional percentage of the negative aspects of cohabitation.

The low commitment ethic of live-in relationship primarily stems from the broken or dysfunctional home. When exposed to the constant conflict between parents or divorce of their friends, they have come to distrust the institution of marriage. The rising cost of divorce and the legal hassles keeps many from getting married. Cohabitation is an easier route to enter and exit out of relationship. Men tend to reason, ‘when you can get plenty of sex, why bother for marriage?’ Women seeking relationship and hoping to get married, fall into the trap of loosing lot more than what they bargained for.

Testing waters is damaging to tying knots. Past relational baggages causes couples to pay a big price when they eventually enter into marriage. Every emotional and sexual interaction during adolescence and adulthood has its ramifications in marriage. Trying out all possible permutations and random chance in experimentation cannot ensure stable and fulfilling marriage. Convenience and economics should not be the only parameters when deciding about with whom you want to live rest of your lives.

Happiness in marriage is never determined by how compatible you are, but how you deal with your incompatibilities and for that a couple needs unconditional love and commitment, not simply a roof over your head, walls around you and doing what you want. Unless a marriage is established as permanent, a couple will not approach it the same way. When a couple makes a vow to being there for each other as long as breath lasts, it generates security and surety and which in turn help any marriage to flourish beyond wildest dreams.

Most of research cited here is summarized in the book by Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher, The Case for Marriage (NY: Doubleday, 2000). Also see, Mike McManus, Living Together: Myths, Risks & Answers (NY: Simon and Schuster, 2008).